If you’re remotely on a path of personal growth, then you know that it can sometimes feel, well, …. intense! Forgive the long share in advance, but may my experience serve you in some way toward your own joy and freedom!
One of the things that unites us all is that we all have a mother! Our relationships with them may differ, but there’s no doubt that our relationship with them is one of the most significant in our lives.
This year, I’ve experienced such a deep healing with my mom and it came through my teenage son.
About three weeks ago, my son, who is a freshman, studying cinematic arts at The Los Angeles County High School of the Arts (LACHSA) submitted a film for their very prestigious MoonDance Film Festival. His film wasn’t accepted.
I marveled at his response. He said that he knew it wasn’t his best work and that he would make a better film to submit next year. He said he learned a lot through the process and knew what he would do differently next time. I could feel the healthy energy with which he was sharing.
Then I watched my reaction. Honestly, I had so many feelings. I felt so sad, like it was happening to me. I felt like it was a reflection of me as his mom, I felt embarrassed that my son’s film wasn’t accepted … as if something was wrong with me.
You see, my own mom was a really driven individual and I felt very pushed to have impeccable grades, extremely high achievements, win piano contests. How I appeared to others were all very important to her. I felt constant pressure to “be the best” (as opposed to “do my best) and most of the time, I felt like I was falling painfully short in her eyes. I felt like something was wrong with me – exactly how I felt when my son’s film wasn’t accepted into the film festival.
I was one thousand percent aware that my reaction had NOTHING to do with my son. NOTHING. In fact, when my son texted me the news, I was actually on my way out of town for 5 days to a conscious parenting workshop and meditation retreat (with the extraordinary Dr Shefali, whom you all know is my conscious parenting mentor and colleague, and my dear friends Greta and Tammy) and I knew it was the best place for me. I knew it would give me the opportunity to untangle MY reactions and spare him from receiving any of MY projections, reactions or energy that had nothing to do with him.
This is how we all end up taking on energy that has nothing to do with us. Things get passed down to us and we take it on as if it’s our own. I was grateful that my son would be spared as I was painfully aware that this was MY unhealed energy and I wanted to heal it.
I’d be lying to you if I told you that those intense feelings of shame, “not enoughness” and the feeling that something was wrong with me was so close to me that I thought I actually were those things. That they were actually true.
Fortunately for me, surrounded by these three incredible conscious friends, I was in the perfect hands to “get naked”, so to speak – which I did. I shared my feelings with them and they held a space for me as I allowed the layers of built up coagulated energy to melt and fall away.
This is the power of conscious women sister friends. I thank you each from the bottom of my heart.
I returned home free, liberated, unburdened, more my true self and able to be in a CLEAN relationship with my son.
LIFE HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR! Turns out, I had completely forgotten about another film that my son had worked on for an upperclassman, and he found out he was nominated for Best Cinematographer … the only freshman. Now, I’ve been doing this work long enough to know that this was a major opportunity for me to see if I’d really healed. If I got excited about it, then in essence, it’d be the same as when I’d gotten upset about the other. I’d be in the same prison cell – more nicely decorated, but the same cell at the end of the day.
Again, I marveled as I watched my son’s utter healthy response. Unfazed for the most part. He said he had been so honored to have been asked to get to shoot an upperclassmen’s film in the first place. He loved the film and had the greatest experience working on it. That was his “win” and he had already experienced it! He wanted the film to get recognized because it’s truly such a great film (It’s called “stuffed” and is the story of a boy and his stuffed animal told through the boy’s perception that his bunny is real. An amazing film). He didn’t think he had a chance at winning because he was the only freshman nominated with all upperclassmen.
He loves film. He loves every aspect of making films. He loves helping other film makers. He loves helping his teachers. He’s in his right place. He’s in his element. These are his “wins” and he experiences them everyday. A trophy can’t give him anything, nor take anything away from him. I feel so happy for him that he knows this at his age.
He seems to have embodied what is truly important in life. I can’t tell you how much respect I have for him at 15 and how much I learned from him through this process.
Throughout the last three weeks, I simply watched my energy. I used the opportunity to learn from my son. I perceived his healthy energy and was in such gratitude that I had done my work to meet him in this place of health and well being.
Last night was the festival. Turns out …. he won Best Cinematographer … but we were both utterly unattached. Turns out we all won last night.
May this assist you in some way to release anything that you might be going through or holding on to that isn’t your energy. It can be intense, but liberation is possible. If I may be of service to you in any way on your journey, call upon me. It’s my honor to pay it forward.
Much love to you all.